i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
that's an acceptable place to lick
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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