I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
is wine microwaveable?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
