Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
