Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
