How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
