Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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