Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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