I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
