So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
