the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
