I'm eating all of the evidence.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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