Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
