my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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