somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
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Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
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When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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