Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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