There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
