Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
