note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
