When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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