In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
