last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I am available for nakedness
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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