I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
And the cops told us we were all naked.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
