She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
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Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
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i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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