dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
