I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
