I wish I only lived at night.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
