omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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