You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
