i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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