my soul wont recognize me after tonight
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
