I am puke
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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