I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
