This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
