I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize