If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
a search helicopter?!
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
