My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
