Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
