just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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