I accidentally had phone sex last night
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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