I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
