My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
