I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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