Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
whose parrot is this?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
