I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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