Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
