He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
