Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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