I can't watch pbs sober anymore
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
