I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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