Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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