There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
