and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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