You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
