I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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