the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
