Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
