Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
