I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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