I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
